Finding Yourself in a World Standing Still
VEENA MURALI, GWI ‘20
VEENA, A CURRENT JUNIOR AT NEW YORK UNIVERSITY, WRITES ABOUT EMBRACING NEW PARTS OF YOUR IDENTITY WHEN THE WORLD AROUND YOU LOOKS DIFFERENT THAN EVER BEFORE.
In a community filled with hardworking, energetic women in college or industries like finance, I’m sure I’m not the only one who was living life at warp speed prior to the COVID-19 pandemic.
I had returned from an exciting fall semester studying abroad to the fast-paced atmosphere of New York City for the spring semester of my sophomore year. My weeks were filled with new classes, extracurricular meetings, trying new restaurants, catching up with friends, and soaking up everything I had missed about the city.
And just as I had comfortably settled back into my routine, the world came to a sudden halt. Ambulance sirens filled the streets among the eerie and unfamiliar silence of students going home and grocery stores being run dry. In March, the world stood still for the first time in my life.
I was extremely lucky to be healthy and able to return to my childhood home.
Still, being surrounded in my bedroom by tacky purple paint and polka dot wall hangings chosen ten years ago, I reckoned with one question: Who was I, when I couldn’t be the girl that was always running, trying new things, traveling, and more? Who was I, alone, without any of the associations to things I could no longer do? Who was I as a solitary I?
It’s a question that I’m sure can resonate with each of us in at least a small way. Who was my dad, whose usual days spent collaborating with others at work turned into long nights in front of one computer screen at home? Who was my brother, whose last year of high school fizzled out with no graduation, no prom, and no chance to say goodbye? Who was my professor, who used to thrive on hearing us laugh at his corny jokes in class, but was now stifled by muted microphones across his screen?
I can’t say I answered this question immediately, or that I’ve answered it at all in the year since I first pondered it.
What I have realized is that even in a world that can find ways to stand still, identity doesn’t. Identity goes up, down, fast, and slow, but never quite stands still.
While I could no longer be the person that loved being on-the-go or encountering new adventures, I learned I am a person that savors some time spent in silence reading a book, going for a run, or trying a new recipe. I am a person that enjoys the company of family and friends on FaceTime just as much as meeting new individuals in person.
I am a person who has recognized that reflecting on the small, mundane things in life doesn’t make me “boring.” Asking “Who am I?” didn’t require an answer that was rid of all the associations I’d normally use to help define myself. It only required an ability to take on new associations, new hobbies, and new appreciations.
As hard as it may be, finding yourself in a world that stands still is not about grieving the parts of you that you’re deprived of at the moment. It’s about appreciating the new parts you have discovered and embracing that, maybe, those parts aren’t just temporary.
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